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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27939974">Hiraeth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bisexual_Potato/pseuds/Bisexual_Potato'>Bisexual_Potato</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based off that one stream, Forgiveness, Gen, Happy Ending, Lava - Freeform, Making Up, Not Canon Compliant, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), at the end, tubbo feels bad, what do you expect it's Tommy, you know the one</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:08:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,696</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27939974</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bisexual_Potato/pseuds/Bisexual_Potato</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hiraeth (n.) In Welsh, the feeling of longing for a home to which you can never return; the grief for the lost places of your past</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>In which Tommy just wants to go home</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream &amp; TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo &amp; TommyInnit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>406</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hiraeth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW: mentions and attempt of su!cide</p><p>I started this in my history class and now I don't know what happened in World War II</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The innocent purple swirlings of the portal mocked Tommy from where he stood staring at them on the platform. He envied how easily and carefree Dream, Wilbur, and Sapnap were able to pass through, leaving him behind with only his thoughts and the occasional cries of a ghast or grunt of a piglin. He sighed and kicked his foot against the ground in frustration as he thought of them laughing and having fun in his nation without  him. </p><p>They got to see the Christmas tree. They got to see the Holy Lands and the Prime Path, his house that he carved into the hill so long ago, the L’mantree and the underground sewer system that held memories of war, of victories and losses and everything in between. All the things that he would never get to see again.</p><p>And wasn’t it his nation? He had fought and worked for it just like everyone else in L’Manberg had, harder even in his opinion. He had been there since the very beginning, since the day Wilbur approached him wanting to sell drugs to the server. He had never betrayed anyone like Eret, never joined the other side like Fundy and Tubbo (not that he could ever be angry at Tubbo for that), never tried to <i>blow the entire fucking place up</i> like Wilbur. He had even given up his music discs, one of the things he cared about the most on the entire server, in order to secure independence.

</p><p>They loved him for it then <s>(they loved him then)</s>. What had changed?</p><p>Eventually Tommy sat down, not knowing when the others would return. He leaned against one of the walls and let his feet swing aimlessly in the air while he tried to find some way to entertain himself and keep his mind off of L’Manberg.</p><p>He counted how many Piglins he could see on the netherrack mainland in his view (53). He tested how long he could balance a stick on the palm of his hand before it fell off and into the lava below (a little over 4 seconds was his record). He tried to whistle and mimic the haunting cries of ghasts he couldn’t see (he couldn’t). He counted the striders walking below him (7).</p><p>He found his gaze shifting from the striders to the lava that they walked on. It washed his face and the walls around him in an orange glow. <i> Orange.</i> Orange reminded him of soft fox fur. Orange reminded him of tulips tucked behind hair that smelled of bread. Orange reminded him of sunsets and benches, of honey and bees and a best friend who he couldn’t even see anymore.</p><p>Angry tears slipped out his eyes and immediately evaporated in the heat of the Nether, leaving no trace except red eyes and sobs that shook his body.</p><p>He just wanted to go home. To see Tubbo and his friends and say that <i>he was sorry, he’ll be better, just please talk to him again.</i> Was that too much to ask?</p><p>After minutes or hours (he couldn’t tell, and how long does it take for someone to visit a tree?) his cries finally subsided, leaving him tired and numb. Lava still bubbled cheerfully beneath him and everything was still orange, but there were no emotions left to plague him.</p><p>It’s better this way, he thought. It hurts less. And that’s what he wants, isn’t it? For the past week since he’s been exiled he’s been hurting. Hurting and hoping, and hurting more when his hopes of forgiveness and friends reach only the stars. </p><p>So Tommy just wants everything to stop, and doesn’t the lava look so warm and comforting? He slowly stands up and moves right to the edge of the platform. It’s not as if anyone wants him anyway.</p><p>
  <i>“Selfish!”</i>
</p><p>It’s not as if anyone would miss him. Like anyone’s cared enough to visit him and make sure he’s okay except for Wilbur, who thinks he’s on a fucking vacation, and Dream, who comes just to steal his things and taunt him and remind him of everything he’s lost.</p><p>He brushed his foot off the edge of the blackstone and slowly leaned forward, closing his eyes. It will all be better soon. He felt himself start to tip over the edge and imagined the peace it would bring when suddenly he heard his name being shouted and felt a large, solid force wrap around his middle and haul him away from the edge to painfully collapse on the bricks beneath him.</p><p>Tommy heaved in air and looked behind him to see none other than Dream himself, mask knocked off his face and looking pale and relieved and terrified all at the same time (he had never seen Dream scared before). Dream, who had just pulled him back from the edge and ruined his chance at ending his suffering.</p><p>Suddenly, he hated Dream with every fiber in his body.</p><p>Tommy thrashed and fought and Dream just hugged him tighter to his chest, which only served to make him more angry.</p><p>“Let go of me- fucking bitch- what the fuck- me alone- fucking hate you!” Only snippets of what he was trying to say made it through his wheezes and tears. His struggles began to slow down as the adrenaline left his body.</p><p>Dream shushed him and ran a shaky hand through Tommy’s hair once he was sure he wouldn’t be able to escape. “It’s not your time to die, Tommy,” he murmured. Tommy didn’t see the silent tears running down his face.</p><p>“It’s never my time to die,” Tommy responded bitterly through sobs, kicks growing weaker by the second and darkness beginning to overtake his vision. Dream only squeezed him tighter.</p><p>The last thing he thought before his vision gave out was that everything was so orange.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>~</p>
</div><p> </p><p>The first thing Tommy noticed upon waking up was that he was laying on something that was soft and most definitely not his tent in Logstedshire. He felt warm for the first time since he had been exiled- not hot like in the Nether, but warm and <i>safe</i>. Like how he used to feel before his life went to hell.</p><p>	He slowly peeled his eyes open and immediately winced and closed them once he saw how bright the light was. He tried again after a few seconds, this time more cautious. The next thing he realizes, after gazing around the room, is that he was in the L’Manberg infirmary. </p><p>	The last time he was here was after the explosion and battle that followed. He remembered sitting next to Tubbo and holding his hand as Niki cleaned and stitched a particularly deep slash he had gotten from fighting the withers. Tommy had whispered soft reassurances to him and told him it would all be better soon.</p><p>	Which leads him to the third thing he realizes upon looking down. Tubbo is here. Sleeping with his head and arms resting beside Tommy’s legs on the bed. His breath caught in his throat as he looked down to see the friend who he fought beside, the friend who he laughed beside and cried beside and listened to music in the sunset beside.</p><p>	(How long has it been since he listened to music? Since he watched the sunset?)</p><p>	He placed a hand on Tubbo’s head, feeling the soft curls between his fingers. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered over and over again as a tear fell onto the sheets and he leaned his head back against the wall. </p><p>	He didn’t realize Tubbo had woken up until he heard his soft voice calling his name. “Tommy? Tommy, it’s okay. Tommy <i>breathe.</i>”</p><p>	He doesn’t even realize that he wasn’t. </p><p>Tubbo grabbed his hand and placed it on his chest so Tommy could feel its rise and fall. “Breathe with me Tommy. It’s okay, it’s okay.”</p><p>At some point Tubbo had moved onto the bed and drawn him in for a hug (like Dream did- and wasn’t he on a roll with suddenly getting hugs and recognition from those who exiled him out of nowhere) when Tommy continued to calm down and let his breathing finally return to normal. </p><p>After several beats of deafening silence Tommy looked up at Tubbo, who had clearly been crying but was still smiling at him. “Tubbo? Why am I-”</p><p>“It’s okay that you’re here,” Tubbo hurried to say. “You won’t get in trouble. Dream brought you here after you… after.” He trailed off, glancing at Tommy who winced. “He was worried. We all were.”</p><p>Tommy scoffed. “Sure. There’s no way the green bastard was worried” He ignored the pained expression he remembered seeing on Dream’s face in the Nether. “Fucking dick doesn’t care about anything but himself.”</p><p>“No no, really.” Tubbo shook his head quickly, trying to convince Tommy. “He brought you back through the portal and told us what happened. He had this whole speech about how he was wrong and he never should have exiled you.”</p><p>“I mean yeah, I knew he was in the wrong from day one,” Tommy mumbled, unable to resist the opportunity to claim that he was better than Dream.</p><p>“He also said you could come back. Home. Here. With me,” Tubbo hurriedly finished and looked at Tommy to see his reaction.</p><p>It took him a minute to comprehend what Tubbo had just said, and when it did he felt a spark of hope flare through him. Then he immediately snuffed it out. There was no way this was true. It was too good to believe, and hope only led to pain, and… </p><p>And then he felt Tubbo squeeze his hand tightly and he couldn’t help but look over and see the happiness in his eyes. Because of him. 

And he thought of sunsets and bees and music discs, and how he just wanted it all back. He just wanted to be with his best friend again, away from wars and politics. 

All this time he thought no one cared about him but maybe, just maybe… 

Maybe hope wasn’t such a bad thing after all.


</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to go look at my bees?”</p><p>A beat and a sigh. “Sure thing Tubbo.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So this was meant to be a short drabble of only a few hundred words and, well, you can see what happened.</p><p>Thank you to anyone who made it this far! I appreciate each and every one of you.</p><p>Fun fact: blue and orange are complimentary colors, meaning they are on opposite sides of the color wheel. Wilbur is obsessed with blue as Tommy is with orange. Wilbur doesn't remember anything while Tommy remembers too much. Wilbur didn't accept help or listen to anyone around him, and Tommy was able to find people close to him to get him through hard times.</p><p>Okay that's enough analysis for now. Have wonderful evening (or day) lovelies!</p><p>~Kat</p></blockquote></div></div>
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